Growing up in Trinidad was a spectacular and unique experience. The melting pot of cultures allowed me to meet a plethora of folks from different backgrounds.
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As an Indo-Caribbean Muslim, I was privileged enough to attend TML Primary School. This made studying Islam and Arabic easier as a child, and our school has a mosque so I was able to attend Jummah on Fridays. Ever since I could remember, my mum and my Aunty Finah (may she rest in peace) taught my sister and me how to read and pronounce Arabic. When we were on our way to school, we would recite surahs. We would all do our due diligence to follow our lives according to Islamic doctrines. Unfortunately, as I grew up, my faith waivered, and I had a lot of questions, that I was scared to get the answers to. Even now, I struggle to find my Iman, and I try my best to try to forge a connection with God like the one my mum has.
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After writing the SEA examinations, I passed for my third choice, Lakshmi Girls' Hindu College. On one hand, I was devastated because everyone thought for sure that I would pass for my first choice; my teacher had told me he expected me to place first in the exam in the country. On the other hand, I felt like God had listened to me. Because while all the other kids were praying to pass for their first choice every Friday, I was begging Him that my best friend and I would pass for the same school. And we did. But disappointing everyone was a blow to me, it was the first time I had done that. So I had a lot to prove to everyone, and to myself.
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At Lakshmi, I felt like I truly blossomed, and I'm not sure if I would've had the same character growth anywhere else. I am lucky to have a great support system in my family, friends, my best friend, and peer groups. In my first semester, I placed 1st in 5 subjects, and I finally felt like I was worthy again. I placed so much emphasis on my grades. It became how I viewed my worth. This translated into my performance of all Is in my CSEC and CAPE exams. I wanted to win an open scholarship, because I had to prove to everyone who I was, and because I wanted to study abroad.
Before my CAPE exams, one of my favourite teachers tried to let me down easy that my chances of winning a scholarship were severely diminished because Literatures in English was too difficult. I remember going home and crying my eyes out, while I was training for archery. I was offended that after all, I had worked, someone still didn't believe in me. I already had my self-doubt, but someone I respected adding to it, was the fuel to the fire that I needed to win the scholarship by spite, and place on the merit list for Literatures in English. I worked the hardest I ever had in my whole life, and it was worth it. Two of the greatest moments in my life was being on call with my parents and hearing my mum cry when they heard that I won the open Maths scholarship, and the second was letting my Grandma accept an award for my performance and scholarship win.
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Although I wanted to go away to study, it never really dawned on me that it was happening until I was waving at my parents driving away in front of my dorm room. I remember how empty I felt that day. I had lived with them for all of my life; to not have them with me felt like a piece of me was missing. The first two weeks were horrible. I didn't realize how lonely and unloved I would feel. And then my Aunty Zorie and Uncle Wazeer came to visit. And the first hug they gave me after two weeks of being alone, I nearly cried my eyes out. That first semester, they were my rock. Almost every weekend, they came to visit, either to take me to stay with them for the weekend or out for a meal. And every time without fail, they would remind me that I was strong and that I was loved, by so many people. I know they know that I needed it, but I don't know if they know how much I needed it. Because I wasn't doing well.
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Being away from home, and for a ton of internal and external reasons, I was struggling. I started to develop a hatred for Math, while simultaneously loving it. I would put in the work, but I didn't feel like I was good enough. For so long, growing up and defining myself by my grades, not doing well was blow after blow. The first time I dropped a course, I tried to hold myself together, but I burst into tears on the call with my parents. Disappointing them is something I never wanted to do, and although they would say I never did, that's not what my anxieties would tell me at night. And I don't know if people realize the weight of their words. Someone in authority once told me that it might be better to drop out and cut my losses, and his words haunted me to the day I submitted my application to graduate. I remember my don was ready to walk into his office hours with me to berate him. She told me that she was once told the same thing and she not only graduated but was working on her Masters. I'll always regret how much I stressed my parents out, having to worry about potentially losing my scholarship, the probability of failing out, dropping out, and my mental health, all on top of the fact that I was too far away for them to help me. And it didn't help that I didn't want to worry them, so I wouldn't tell them until it was much too late.
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Studying abroad can be lonely at times, but it's also where you meet your people. I found it so hard to make friends at times, because of language and cultural barriers, but family and friends from home (whom I didn't even realize loved me) stepped up and would reach out to make sure that I was okay. But I met one of my best friends at orientation, and I was lucky to be paired with an extroverted roommate who helped to introduce me to amazing people, with whom I'm still friends, especially those I met through volunteering with the WUSA Equity Services. I also met a few dons and professors that I'm still in contact with because they genuinely cared so much about their students. When I expressed my concerns about not being good enough for the Math faculty, one of them gave me a pink tie and a card that I still have with me. In 2020, I used that same pink tie at my homemade graduation, because I don't think I would've made it if it wasn't for her reassurance and kind words.
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And now I'm here. Covid has shaken the whole world up. I didn't get to tell off the man who told me he couldn't see me graduate, and I didn't get my pink cupcake from UWaterloo. But I got to celebrate with my family who made me gorgeous cupcakes (check out my graduation album!) and who were my support system throughout my life. Although it seems selfish to say, I was also burnt out from the past how-many-ever years, and taking a moment to just pause and breathe for a while seemed to be what I needed. And it also afforded me the opportunity to write so much for you, and I cannot wait for you to read what I have waiting for you...
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