Hollyhock: Why women are not therapists or scapegoats to excuse your bad behaviour

Reposted, original post Feb 23rd, 2020

With the finale of BoJack Horseman fresh in my mind, I wanted to share some thoughts on one of the most underrated characters Hollyhock, his half-sister. Recently in Facebook groups, discussions with friends and other internet spaces, I’ve seen a shitton of hate for the character – that she was annoying, not understanding, an immature petulant child, etc. While no character is perfect – and the show clearly shows that no character is flawless or perfect, I shall share in this rant why I believe Hollyhock made a mature, wise decision in cutting BoJack out of her life.

The Timing of The Decision

Although season 6 part 1 ended on a cliffhanger (6×8) with Pete about to say the name of the famous actor who left his friend in the hospital when she overdosed on alcohol the actor bought her, part 2 didn’t pick back up from that exact moment. Instead, we see BoJack and Hollyhock at her college and though she doesn’t confront him about what she’s learnt, the relationship has clearly shifted. This is evident in the way she interacts with him, avoids seeing him and tries to distance herself from him (6×9), albeit university life is also a significant cause (and convenient excuse) for the lack of the time she has for him. The key takeaway from this shift is that she didn’t immediately cut him out of her life, but keep him at arm’s length.

To a young adult learning that someone she cared about hurt other people and didn’t accept responsibility for his actions, Hollyhock must have been in deep conflict. I have seen other’s complain about how she took stranger Pete’s side over her brother’s, but this isn’t the case. Hollyhock was smart in holding BoJack at bay while she figured out her feelings – whether Pete told the truth, who BoJack was to her, whether he was capable of those things and why, whether he deserved forgiveness etc. The fact that she didn’t immediately push him away completely was indicative of her wanting to hear his truth – and then she did, on the interview (6×12).

The Aftermath of The Truth-telling Interview

I saw a post the other day about why you shouldn’t believe your brothers, dads or friends aren’t offenders, instead of just believing your sisters, mothers or friends are victims. Hollyhock didn’t immediately take either side – she took a step back to reevaluate what was going on, and then BoJack solved the question for her by telling his side to the whole world. Needless to say, BoJack’s downfall was at its crux in the second interview (6×12). Not only did he admit to not calling for help for 17 minutes for Sarah Lynn, but he also victim-blamed the women who he had hurt. In denying his power over them, he was extremely defensive and put his foot in his mouth. Needless to say, with all the stories that had been shared, it was inevitable that the truth would have come out. But to hear it from the horse’s mouth, that was the last straw. BoJack’s true colours were revealed and the truth wasn’t an easy pill to swallow.

Responsibility of A Sister To Hear His Truth

I’ve seen one too many posts that Hollyhock should have spoken to BoJack to hear his side of the story. And while I don’t think that is the case, I don’t think that would have made a difference in her decision. As Diane also explained (1×12), “all you are is just the things that you do.” There’s a William Faulkner quote that I love, that I think emphasizes this situation with BoJack, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” BoJack’s decisions had a ripple-effect that, even if he regretted them, would impact the lives of many others, especially Gina Cazador and Kelsey Jannings (6×8) whose professional lives were tarnished and heavily affected by his poor choices. BoJack made a lot of bad decisions and while he was given the opportunity, to tell the truth about them, he chose not to and to play the victim. BoJack stands by the decisions he made, as Todd rightfully put – because he uses the excuse of alcohol, drugs, his career, his childhood etc (3×10). Even if BoJack shared his side of the story, I do not believe Hollyhock would have looked at him any differently than she did at the end of the series.

The past is never dead. It’s not even past – William Faulkner

That said, I think it’s important to understand that she has no duty to hear him out. Articles like It is not a woman’s responsibility to make a man a better human being and posts like “Kind women are not free therapists” are often overlooked but so important. Hollyhock is not a tool to be used for BoJack to fix himself; she is a living being with her own life. The only person who can actively work on BoJack fixing himself is BoJack. Hollyhock had her own issues with depression and mental health (4×6), and while this allowed her to share something in common with him and empathize, she has no obligation to encroach her mental health for him.

Despite what you may believe, BoJack is a stranger, not her family

Although they may be related by blood, BoJack was not Hollyhock’s family, as she reiterates, “don’t say that [I’m your sister] like it means something… we don’t know each other, really” (6×9). Yes, I am aware that she called him her brother and was happy to have one because she’s an only child. But she spent most of her life with her dads (4×10); she wanted to find her biological parents (4×3) and she eventually did. Her dads would have taught her right from wrong, instilled values in her and believe that she would make the right decisions, hence allowing her to visit BoJack even after her overdose (5×9). But truth-be-told, Hollyhock and BoJack didn’t spend that much time together. In essence, she didn’t know much about him besides the short times they spend together. I think that was why she played such a small role in season 5, after being a huge part of season 4’s plot – so she would not know much about him. Although he obviously cares about her and she did for him, telling him she loved him (9×5), Hollyhock wasn’t able to connect with BoJack’s past and all the misdeeds and sins that haunt him. Her self-esteem, depression and anxiety were huge deals for her (4×6), but I do not think she started to realizes how messed up and dark BoJack’s decisions were until she met Pete (6×8).

BoJack’s Toxicity and Lack of Boundaries

A double-edged sword – leaving a toxic man makes a woman selfish, staying with him makes her stupid. Even when women make decisions to leave people who are not good for their lives, they are demonized. Hollyhock would not be able to handle the negativity surrounding BoJack’s decisions and surely the fallout that would have impacted her as a young feminist if she “took his side” after all the things he did and said in the second interview.

But even before the interview, BoJack did not understand that he was encroaching on her space. Similar to him not understanding the inappropriateness of staying with Charlotte and her family, or taking Penny and her friends to the dance and buying them alcohol. College was supposed to be a space of safety, exploration and learning for Hollyhock – but BoJack was there at her every turn at her sporting events and angry when she had work to do and couldn’t make it for his – not his class’ – showcase (6×9). Instead of it being “her thing”, BoJack wanted it to be “their thing” and wanted to see her more. And at the time, she just needed space to accept what she has heard from Pete and figure out how to proceed. After their squabble, a lot of people said it was not her place to have a say in whether or not he should continue teaching at her school. But it most definitely was – he did not consult with her before taking the job and assumed it would be okay because they were “family.” He wanted her to be his crutch – the person that he could idolize and be there for him and was upset when she couldn’t make time for him.

Women do not have to handle you at your worst

The saying “If you cannot accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” is bullshit. Whereas it used to be symbolic of a “glow-up” or someone’s life getting better and not making space for gold-diggers or users, in recent times it excuses terrible behaviour for the promise of somewhat better behaviour. You do not deserve someone treating you like shit for them to not treat you like shit sometimes. With the exception of implying she was less attractive (4×8) than the other women on the set of Felicity Huffman’s Booty Academy and that the intern Miles had better options (I hate myself for having to write that), BoJack wasn’t terrible to Hollyhock. That said, he wasn’t good or great to her either – he was just another person in her life. But Hollyhock smartly understood that just because he wasn’t terrible to her, it did not mean that he was terrible to other people. This is a mature understanding of how abusers work – they may not be publicly abusive or abusive to everyone in their lives.

“If you cannot accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” is BULLSHIT

This quote, I believe, especially resonates with Diane. While she was there for BoJack’s “worst” and helped him go to rehab (5×12), she was at her final straw when he didn’t come clean about everything that happened when given the chance at the phone call (6×11). Knowing him, she easily predicted everything that would happen at the first interview (6×12) and didn’t bother to watch it because she knew he’d have made himself the victim and play on the unfortunate circumstances of his past. In the end, Diane moves on with her life (6×16) – with Guy, to a new place, and alludes that BoJack may not be a part of her life anymore. I believe some people come into our lives for a short time but aren’t meant to stay there forever, and Diane echoes this with, “I think there are people that help you become the person that you end up being, and you can be grateful for them even if they were never meant to be in your life forever” (6×16). Mr Peanutbutter and BoJack were huge parts of her life for a long time but at some point, she had to acknowledge that the way her life was panning out with her decisions to improve her mental health, that there may not be a place for them anymore. That they might just be happy memories to remember good times, but that that’s all they’d be in her life anymore.

A letter is part of a word is part of a sentence is part of a story

Cleverly, we never see the contents of Hollyhock’s letter (6×13), almost as though she blocked all of us out too. We don’t know if she needs time and if she’ll come around or if she no longer wants to be a part of his life ever. I assume the latter because she changed her number. I’ve seen people call her annoying or that she was a stupid plot twist and didn’t add to the story. But she was so important – she was the only family member that actively showed BoJack that she cared, and loved him (9×5). Like BoJack pushed his mother Beatrice away (2×13) for being cruel to him until her death (5×6), Hollyhock blocked out BoJack for being cruel to others. Beatrice was also horrible to Hollyhock drugging her and causing her to overdose (4×10) and experience trauma, PTSD and anxiety attacks, though Beatrice’s mental state was questionable at the time. But unlike BoJack, Hollyhock didn’t use this to justify engaging in destructive exploits; Hollyhock tried to stay away from alcohol and stay with her friend Tawnie at parties (6×8). Hollyhock should have been the symbol for BoJack that even when people and the universe treat you like shit, you can pick yourself up and find a way to heal – for Hollyhock it was hanging out with Tawnie, her dads, or her college experiences.

In fact, the Hollyhock flower represents beauty, care, friendship and appreciation. Ultimately, Hollyhock loved her brother BoJack and cared for him deeply but understood that their relationship could no longer be the same. Hollyhock foreshadowed (4×8), “Do you ever get the feeling to know you more is to love you less?” Likewise, when Hollyhock learnt of BoJack’s past, there was little she could rationalize to keep him in her life; she knew that she had to move on without him. We don’t know what she wrote to him or what will happen in the future, but as for now, Hollyhock has chosen to save herself and her mental health by staying away from him. And that is perfectly okay.